The past year has been quite a weird time for me photographically – over and above being on my MA course. On the one hand I’ve gained valuable experience of negotiating repeated access to situations and forming relationships of respect and, I hope, trust with the people I photograph and those who help me. That has helped build my confidence, but there’s a flip side which is eroding it terribly.

There’s no doubt that being a (reasonably) young female photographer can be an advantage in many situations but I am starting to feel my gender is also a hindrance. Three times over the past year I have had men who are in some way part of my projects develop an unwelcome and persistent attachment. Once this resulted in me getting stalked by phone and web for several months (10+ calls a day) from another country. That had such an effect that I can still barely look at the resulting photos without my stomach churning. Another time it caused me to end a project I’d invested several months in and was really enjoying. And recently some intense and uncomfortable male attention has led me to give up on something before it’s really begun – despite several months of groundwork and negotiating of access. Since that person was basically to be my fixer, I felt somewhat vulnerable relying on him in the circumstances. This kind of thing has happened in the past to a far lesser degree but with photography projects I need to spend more time with people and more is at stake if they fall through.

What’s interesting – and troubling – about all of this is that it’s really little to do with looks or behaviour – I’m certainly not one of those girls who flirts or uses their feminine charms to get them places. I totally understand that there’s a certain power dynamic at work when one person is holding a camera and that that can be attractive. I get that an (educated, independent) foreign woman or outsider to any kind of marginal community can be exotic and interesting.

But I’m convinced that it’s more to do with how I interact with people and have been left feeling extremely unnerved by these experiences – questioning silly things like do I smile at people too much, do I make too much eye contact, should I take less of an interest in other people’s lives….all the things which make me who I am and enable me to do the kind of journalism I do. This is now really bothering me – my directness, ability to listen and to take an interest, the way I treat everyone the same no matter who they are and my friendliness seem to be conspiring against me as a documentary photographer who wants to work on intimate long-term projects, because some men seem to think we’ve had some kind of significant ‘connection’ and that I’m in some way different.

I’d be interested to know if other women (or male) photographers have had similar experiences. It’s not something I’ve ever heard anyone discuss but it’s extemely unnerving.